I’m Back & I’m Better! 

Hey guys I know it’s been FOREVER since I’ve posted. I’m trying a new thing with this blog now that I’ve changed some things in my life. It will still be a lifestyle/journal type blog but more structured and positive!

I’m still nannying but for a new family now, I have a new boyfriend whom I met through some mutual friends at church, I am living with my dad still but it’s not bad, I am leading a small intimate connect group for some girls who are trying so hard to resist, and I am now in two separate connect groups one for girls my age and the other with some older women who have been through some rough stuff and it’s been teaching me a lot.

God has definitely been doing some crazy some in my life but I’m super excited for what’s next. So yeah let me know in the comments what you guys wanna hear!

Constricted 

It wasn’t fast you know, the way you loved me.

It’s was slow and calm. Very romantic. Very gentle. Something I’d never experienced before. It was so ambrosial and charming.

But shortly after we decided to go deeper

I started seeing things that I didn’t notice before

That hint of dominance that always lingered in your voice, the snide comments you made on little things I did. Your body language. You seemed to get bigger when you spoke.

The night you choked me a little to hard is when it clicked. You wanted to have the control and somewhere inside I wanted to let you, maybe because I was being a “good girlfriend” but another part wanted to run. Far.

I’m good at that. Running.

The red flags were going up left and right but they didn’t look all that red to me through the ruby lense of lust that I saw you through.

You ostracized me in deep conversations.  And unless we were in the bedroom. There. In the bed. That’s where I was the queen and it felt great, I felt so in charge and you wanted to please me but soon I began to fear that would also change.

I could feel myself mentally drawing back from you. I was putting my shoes on but you would never know until I was gone.

Your words are constricting. You choke me with them. You belittle me whenever you get the chance.

It’s like I can feel you choking me and I can’t breathe to get the words out that it hurts but then you look at me and you give me those puppy eyes and those sweet kisses in the crook of my collar bone and I melt in your arms completely forgetting that seconds ago you killed a few brain cells.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

You think that you can just treat me how you want. A play thing? You say you’re falling in love with me but those are just words. And I was taught better, I grew up around a man just like you. So affectionate until something doesn’t go his your way, then the monster comes out.

He’s not that scary, the monster, no he looks and sounds and feels just like you but his eyes tell something different there’s a hunger in his eyes. And the scary part is that it’s me he wants to hunt, to kill, to punish.

 

So you ask me, “Do you love me?”

no.

I don’t fall in love with monsters…only the men in inside them.

Square One 

I relapsed again last night. It was bad. Maybe from the accident I’m all fucked up. Maybe just because life is really shitty right now and I’m overwhelmed. I mean. My mom is losing the house..again. I have no friends that live near me. I’m not in school. I’m constantly tired. I have no car. I have no money. My dads an asshole. My friends need support and I can’t physically be there for them and they’re on a different time zone so we don’t talk often. My best friend 1/4 had a baby and I still haven’t met my goddaughter. My other best friend 2/4 never has time to talk to me so I don’t even know how she’s doing. And my roommate is a fuck tard.

But this was the first time in a few years that I’ve cut on my wrists. Maybe because I forgot what it felt like and they were just tempting me. Or maybe because I want someone to notice and to ask if I’m okay. But I probably won’t tell them the truth. I’ve thought about this so many times. If someone asks I’ll tell them my friends cat scratched me or the babies. Idk. I just was in a really dark and really hot bath last night and wanted to die. Woke up and shaved my hair. That’s all I know. 

Purple Water

I sat there. Just sitting there in silence. I sat there. Crying. Trying not to make a noise. Not wanting to break the fragile quiet of the night. 

I sat there in the purple water. The room smelled heavily of lavender. I hate lavender. It made me angry and annoyed that I was sitting in a lavender filled bath. It was dark. The darkness was only broken by the small flame of a candle sitting on the toilet. 

I laid back in the back and stared at the ceiling. I lay there sinking slowly into my dark thoughts. I’d been so stupid. How could I let that happen. Everything is in jeopardy now. Trust had been broken. 

I got out of the bath and groggily reached for the box cutter that I kept under the sink. I was dripping water all over the floor but I didn’t care. I got back in that disgusting purple water full of dirt and tears. And I sat there with the blade in my hand. 

I was shaking. It’d been so long since I’d cut my skin open. Since if had this feeling that only bleeding would help me breathe. Oh shit. Breathe. Yeah I forget that sometimes when I’m like this. Again I start crying. This time I put my head under the colored water. I don’t really want to come up but I do after some time. 

I drain the water. I get my towel. And I put the box cutter back in its spot. I get my pajamas on and get into my blanket pile on the floor. I turn on some soft music and try to sleep. That doesn’t really happen but it’s time for work now so up we go. 

Scared of the Dark

It’s 12:08AM and I can’t breathe. The dark is closing in on me. I’m not scared because of the creepy shadows or noises around me. Not because of what could happen or what I can’t see. It’s because of how silent it is. Yet all I hear is sad cries and faceless screams. Multitudes of people talking all at once. Tearing me apart piece by piece. The scariest part is every voice has a quaint resemblance of my own. I beg God to just make it stop. The salty tears start to slowly roll to the corners of my eyes. Ugh why the hell is it so damn dark in here. But I can’t move. I lay here with my arm hanging over the edge. Wishing that those scary stories kids tell about the boogie man are true and that in a quick moment he’d reach from the dark and pull my arm and drag me away. As he reaches up I feel a sharp stinging pain. His razor sharp nails dig into my skin and though I don’t want to it is instinct to pull away, so now I lie here the hot blood slowly dropping down my arm into a pool on the floor. That’d be better than this. Anything is better than this. Then it all fades away

I can’t breathe. The darkness sucks everything away with it when it leaves in the morning but something lingers in the air. I feel it  pressing on me and I don’t want to get up. I want to hide under the covers all day because they hold me close they don’t let go until I say to. I don’t get up to eat. I don’t get up to get dressed. I don’t get up to shower.  I don’t move except to turn off the bloody alarm blaring in my ear. 

Again it goes off telling me that I need to go pray. So I after 5 minutes I decide to get up. My feet and legs are lead heavy. I drag myself to the bathroom and brush my teeth. Then I grab my notebook and pen and decide the only thing I can do is tell God what a shitty day it has been already. But something in me- that tiny faint light flickers. My hand plopped to the page and dragged on as I said thank you for giving me another day. What? As much as I don’t want to be here other people I’m sure wish they were. So as I endure hell here. They suffer there forever. This is a long life. And it’s full of sadness but I can manage to say a simple fucking thank you for my darkened life. 

 

catching up

I’ve been away for a while now. Here’s why and what’s been going on 

I’ve been super depressed and quite suicidal the past few months. I’ve been cutting again which sucks. Because I thought I was over that. Guess Mr.Depression is back from vacation. But the past few days have been really good. Hopefully I can get to the doctor soon and try to get some meds to pay mr.Depression to stay on that vacation. 

I recently started my new job as a nanny. I actually like coming to work and look forward to it. So I think I’ll stay here a while. 

My family keeps pressuring me to go to school but I hate school and I’m making a decent amount of money now. I would like a degree but I think it can wait. I love work and it pays well so why waste money and time if I can always go later. I can be with this family for the next 10+ years. But I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll take some online classes to make them happy. 

But that’s the thing. I always strive to make others happy while I’m curled up crying myself to sleep at night in the dark. It’s been so bad lately I have to sleep with the lamp on actually because I can feel the darkness set in. I bend and break to make everyone else around me comfortable but it hurts. And no one notices. 

I’ve also been going to church again. Which after coming out was hard for me and I’m at a new church and haven’t had time to get involved yet. And meeting new people who are known to be quite judgmental is hard for me. But I know that me and God are okay and my family is on board so I’m trying to be more active in my relationship with Him. 

Also!! I just started dating this girl and she is great. I mean it’s only been a week but she makes me happy and that’s rare so I’ll let things take their course. I haven’t told my mom yet though…kinda nervous to do that still. 

So yeah the past few months have been rough but slowly things are getting better. 

The Lights

As kids we run around the house
Flicking the lights on and off
Whether for fun
Or for special effect

And most of us get yelled at

But we don’t understand 

Until we get older

And we realize that our parents

Knew something deeper

People come and go

They flicker the lights of our souls
It’s all good when the lights are on
It’s not so scary

We can see what’s going on

But then someone comes in

Like a small kids playing

And flips the switch over and over
And eventually the light burns out
And they can’t play there anymore
And they think that sucks
But we’re the ones sitting in the dark